In this journal, humhum Founder Alexandra Ballensweig reflects on how people who were conditioned to engage in society as women and girls are taught to move through the world and interact with themselves, each other, and others.
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What does Valentine’s Day mean? Who is it for? We revisit some thoughts on this holiday of love and consider a reframing of how we enter February — and what hallmarks to look for in ourselves and our relationships.
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Alexandra Ballensweig, the founder of humhum, and Cori Shearer, humhum’s Head of Product, sat down for a deep conversation about dating with intention and moving through dating with new eyes.
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Many of us are dating defensively, and we aren't aware of it. Defensive dating patterns form as an attempt to keep us safe from getting hurt when we date, but these patterns can hinder us from experiencing meaningful connection and from learning about ourselves. When we invest our energy in self-preservation, we have less energy available for connection and for insight about ourselves. We're left feeling tired, stressed, frustrated, and unsatisfied as we date.
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What is reciprocity? I see it as, a getting out to the way of the intelligent flow of energy that is already happening within a relational field. It’s non interference. Our essence, and most natural state is generous, and receptive.
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Claire Lacy and Terrence Ho met online, but not with a swipe right. Their meeting began with a few minutes of deep-breathing and guided meditation, even before introductions.
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The question “are you dating?” has for many of us become synonymous with “are you on the apps?” Let’s be mindful not to conflate feeling over it with swiping with feeling over it with dating entirely; maybe it’s not dating that you’re over but how it feels to date in the way you’re dating. Dating is more than swiping. You have options beyond left and right, and yes, even in the midst of a pandemic.
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At our virtual experiences at humhum, we don’t swipe. Not only don’t we swipe, we are not deciding yes or no about a person when we connect — instead, we are invited to explore the nuanced energy between ourselves and another to inform our intentions for further connection. It’s not about the person, it’s about the space between you and another person that you’re examining. This way, whether we align with the other person in our intentions or not, the outcome feels less personal, because it isn’t personal.
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Have you ever noticed that Valentine’s Day takes place in the middle of Aquarius Season? Not during Venus-ruled Taurus Season or relationship-focused Libra Season, but under Aquarius; the zodiac sign most known for needing space and emotional detachment.
This may seem strange, especially since the commercialized version of Valentine’s Day we celebrate in America is all about ooey-gooey professions of love, PDA, marriage proposals, red plastic hearts, and scotch-taped cardboard notes from cupid.
But you know what else Aquarius is known for? Revolution. And opting to choose love over fear every day is a revolutionary act.
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Valentine’s Day can evoke a lot for many of us— partnered-up, solo, or somewhere in between. Its origins are rather bloody, it’s over-the-top commercialized, and in the US, fewer people are choosing to celebrate this day. I won’t begin to speculate as to all of the reasons why, but instead of jumping on the bandwagon to dismiss it altogether, I’d like to reframe it.
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We can experience many forms of heartbreak as we vulnerably open our hearts to connect with other humans. It’s one of the most beautiful, raw, and alchemizing experiences we can enter if we choose to remain open. Heartbreak in the arena of romantic connection can have us dancing non-linearly between feelings of disappointment, grief, resistance, shock, self-betrayal and beyond and can be brought about by a host of scenarios. This piece will focus more on how we can meet the internal experience with care rather than what may have sparked it from the outside.
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I’ve been recently reading Brené Brown’s book Braving the Wilderness, which explores what it means to find and experience true belonging. Brené emphasizes the importance of belonging to ourselves as central to the experience of belonging. This takes courage, and patience and begins by building a sense of self-trust. I love how she breaks down these seven elements of trust, using the acronym BRAVING which she also shares in her most recent book Dare to Lead.
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Questions I often hear are, how can I bring love or romance into my life? Or why am I not in a relationship? Behind these questions there is a hidden fear, or unmet need. The fear is that we are somehow inadequate. The need is to feel confident that we are enough. We want to trust that we are not getting in our own way and are doing our part to prepare for and open to the partnership we seek. And though the answer to the question of “is there more I can do?” changes moment by moment because we change moment by moment, we can instead ask ourselves, how can I operate in alignment with my highest good to receive all that is meant for me? And please (request to higher-self) reveal to me the ways I am not acting in integrity.
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Ghosting has become too common a strategy in today’s dating culture. The humhum community has shared with us the frustration, confusion, and pain that follows feeling ghosted, or ghosting — this abrupt cutting-off of an energetic flow between two people can feel unpleasant for both parties.
As a collective, we can bring more personal accountability to how we date. If we want intimacy we have to stare our own discomfort in the eyes. If we want love we have to treat ourselves and one another with love. If we want connection we cannot peace-out when we are uncomfortable. We can do better— first, let’s understand what’s happening.
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“I thought ghosting was a horrible dating habit reserved for casual flings” states the contextual example provided by the Oxford English dictionary. So did I, I thought as I read that. “Is it ghosting if you talk or meet, and then neither person follows up?” A friend asked me. “I don’t think so, that just seems like a mutual acceptance of the truth that neither of you desires to pursue the connection,” I replied.
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There is a lot to process right now. We are in the middle of a pandemic, and looking systemic racism in the eyes—it's crucial that we not look away.
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Let’s wear jeans and walk around as if we belong to one another. I’ll meet you in the place where we have no plans. And on this corner of possibility we dare to write a story of all of the plans, including all of the fun because YOLO, and summer, and people are walking around outside again. And maybe we can dream of travel again, and we have a beer on the sidewalk because we can. We step into a store that has re-opened, and smell candles, and buy chocolate. And life isn’t factored in. I leave my phone behind, and so do you, and we walk shoulder to shoulder down the city streets going nowhere. It feels sweet, and reckless and we like it this way for now.
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For each of us, we are having our own unique experience of this time. I’ve been speaking with several people in the humhum community about what it’s like to be single right now, and specifically, how it feels to date when we can’t be with one another in the flesh.
The current climate offers a rich environment to learn about our own patterning as it pertains to dating, because we literally cannot do what we’ve always done.
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I have heard from some of you that though you’re making new connections, whether through humhum or on dating apps, it has been feeling challenging to sustain them. I feel you. To inspire and support you, I went ahead and wrote an article on how we can cultivate and sustain meaningful connections while distancing.
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